She Lives On...

I believe that in everyones life,
one person is sent to make that difference,
I am not talking about your husband,
you children,
or anything like that.

I am talking about that one person,
who you look at, and completely admire.
The one person you look at with the most respect,
the most admiration, sincerity, and that person
that you hope youll be like one day.

Her name was Sandra D, but I called her Nana.

She was amazing in every aspect.

She was shockingly beautiful.
Her LONG dark hair that practically reached her knees,
her tall slender body and deep brownish eyes...
her peaceful smile and calming presence,
everything about her made her appear
YEARS younger than she really was.

She was just always there,
as long as I can remember....

whether it was late night walmart shopping trips with my grandma,
Erika and I in tow wishing so BADLY that we could go home already,
because walmart just ISNT that much fun at 2am when youve been there
for four hours already....
Who would have thought that one day,
those two little girls would grow up,
and want more than anything for one more long late night shopping trip.

It was 2004.
I was a sophomore in highschool,
sitting in my english honors class with my high school sweetheart,
when the classroom phone rang.
"Your mother is here to pick you up."
I knew right away it wasnt right...
something wasnt right.
My mom never picked me up from school.
I rushed to the office and she wasnt there yet.

I waited impatiently at attendance,
when i looked up, there was Erika,
Rushing violently through the doors towards me,
Arms open, tears streaming down her face...
she was hysterical...seeing her like that did it to me tooo...
we stood there.
In the attendance office,
"Its Nana, shes in the hospital"
thats all it took for my entire life to change.

I dont even remember the ride to the hospital.
I dont remember much of anything, but seeing her there.

Before they covered her eyes, they were open...
the gloss smeared over them to prevent dryness,
machines surrounding her...

Touching her hand,
talking to her....
crying with erika...
Code Blue,
rushing doctors,
nurses,
paddles,
her limp body jerking...

Stopping there...
some memories are just too painful to write about,
and bring up, no matter how long its been.

here I am just over 5 years later,
and the pain seems almost like it was yesterday.

I was at the grocery store with Joseph buying hot tea,
when I looked down and saw the canister of tea that my nana always
kept at her house.

I bought it.
I couldnt help it.

I havent had that tea since about a year before she passed when I
was last staying at her house.
Just the taste brought back memories....

Hiding quad crashes and Erika and I picking stickers from eachothers hair in the shower so she wouldnt find out.
she knew.

She did my hair really nice for my 8th grade graduation,
helped me pin my cap on so it didnt mess it up,
and bought my gorgeous flowers pinned on my gown....

taking me and erika to six flags,
and watching us from the ground as we went on the
freefall bungee thing.

Her tarot cards spread out on the tv tray in the livingroom,
my mom looking them up in her books and grandma over her shoulder.

Life just isnt the same without her...
I just wish I would have realized all of this before she was gone.
It shouldnt have taken her passing to break me,
to make me realize how important she was in my life.

Just goes to show you that its important to cherish those you love,
because LITERALLY in an instant they could be gone, she was.
And even though shes gone, she lives on.
Im my memory, in my heart, and is every part of my future.
I live to make her proud, to become the woman that I saw in her.

RIP Nana, you are missed.